Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.

I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

[watching basketball]

I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.

And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.

[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]

Dog: I guess I could protect you?

Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket

My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!

She’s now Japaniece!

You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?

My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.

Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING

WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.

THERAPIST: is this true?

ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?

(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.

Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.

*implements margarita Tuesdays*

It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.

*Adorns new baby with:

Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*

They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!

Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.

Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.

Food: Are you sure.

Me: No.

Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for

Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law

The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.

Him: I’m really into clean eating.

Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.

And bowling should be called pinball

time for some seasonal decor

Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.

[meeting]

ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*

BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good

I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”

If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.

it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve

A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”

Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!

My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic

I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.