I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
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People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity