i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up
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doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
*limbos away from your hug*
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
How to find Kentucky on a map
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
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Tell the people what she wore…
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
