i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up
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Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
yeet
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Inside you there are two wolves
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey