i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up
You Might Also Like
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
This makes total sense…
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one