I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
You Might Also Like
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*
Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*
My neighbor still has their Christmas tree in the window when am I supposed to call the police?
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass