I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
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screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Not to brag but I run faster than the speed of light.
My tortoise’s name is Speed of Light.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Male response to “How’s it going” severity scale
Pretty good – Not good
Can’t complain – Rough couple of weeks
It’s going – Alcohol and cigarettes are keeping him going
Just another day in paradise – Hates his job, wife and life
Things couldn’t be better – Going to park on the train tracks
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
definitely did not do anything wrong
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this