I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
You Might Also Like
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
OH. COME. ON.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.