my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
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I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.