I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
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Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”