I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
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Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Bit chilly again tonight.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
*being escorted off the flight I purchased with swear jar money*
I said, “I love expletives. EXPLETIVES!”
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.