I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
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Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
That time Alicia messaged me
I need to know what happened here in 1620.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I am having an out of money experience.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down