I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
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Last-minute gift idea!
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.