I sexually identify as a hand grenade
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i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Science memes
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Stop.
never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.