Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.

At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out

I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity

For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.

Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.

Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”

[Takes dog to park]

*waits for romantic comedy to begin

What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids

What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use

son: i caught a tadpole!

me: actually that’s a dadpole

son: i’m confused

*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad

Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)

Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?

Me: Of course. One sec

(Resets phone to factory settings)

Me: Here you go

No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.

Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen

Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

I love when you stroke my ego.

My ego is inside my panties.

one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction

I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.

[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality

If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office

Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently

John Hammond: You have no vision

[Later, everyone is dead]

John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this

Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.

Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.

I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

Wow 🤣

I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.

REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes

*gets bitten by a radioactive bear

*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear