I sexually identify as a hand grenade
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Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.
Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*
Me: Dammit.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
$3 #books
