I sexually identify as a hand grenade
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I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”