Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
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Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Damn he played himself
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Simple
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!