I sexually identify as a microwaveable dinner. Ready in 3 minutes and don’t look anything like my picture

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I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.


My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.


Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.


a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee


If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.


Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.


Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]