Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”

Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners

airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”

I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us

*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race

I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.

I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.

I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits

Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.

Have put a film on instead.

[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]

I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.

tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes

DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared

Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price

Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.

Wednesday

dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.

married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too

[waiting at the dentist]

Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*

Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”

[at oceanside seafood restaurant]

Me: Is the fish fresh here?

Waiter: Yes

*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*

Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.

People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.

{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!

Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.

*unsubscribes from newsletter*

*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*

*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*

friend: why are you crying?

me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing

grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd

Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now

A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.