I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
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Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Which knight can find anything?
Sir Chengine.
It kinda feels like this rn
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story
Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.
Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.