Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too

Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross

Spider: *very hungry* dammit

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites

Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*

[yoga]

INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*

I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.

I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?

Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]

My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]

Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?

Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog

Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.

pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now

elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]

“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”

My mother’s scale of concern:

1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.

2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?

I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.

Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

next time i open up to someone is during surgery

I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.

It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.

Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.