@CheeseDaydreams

I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.

You Might Also Like

@SondraDeeMe

[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.

@ItsLaTourette

I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed

@TheTalkingPipe

I read you can have a stroke without displaying any symptoms and I was like “holy shit, I’m definitely not displaying any symptoms!”

@CatherineLMK

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

@sf14

Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”

@jackiembouvier

Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

@isabelzawtun

“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”

(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)