I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.

You Might Also Like


ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.


I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed


I read you can have a stroke without displaying any symptoms and I was like “holy shit, I’m definitely not displaying any symptoms!”


Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.


Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”


Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.


“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”

(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)