I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
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*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now