I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
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A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
i meant to share this earlier
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees