Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation

INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?

Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?

Cop2: should we go help?

Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.

This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”

Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America

Me: me too kid, me too

Pretty certain I can more drunk

I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit

Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.

cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs

me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did

I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.

this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*

wise man 1:

wise man 2:

wise man 3:

me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts

wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—

me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.

I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.

Message from the dog groomers

584.

Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.

the three best gummy flavors, together at last

I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.

U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.

[first time hunting]

friend: I’m out of shells do you have any

me: *choking on pistachio* a few

Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band

Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”

I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

HER: i love babies

ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry

*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!