I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
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It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
thought for sure getting laid off was way more sexual
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one
