I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
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Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.