I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
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Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
So many pants.
So little yoga.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
what are they serving at kfc then???
