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Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
🤣😂🤣
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone