I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
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[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Terribly Tuesday.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.