Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.

Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?

Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.

I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.

Never mind, someone else just got on.

At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.

I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.

Things to know before you date me:

1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come

Bad joke of the day:

What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.

home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons

If I had two brownies, I’d give you one

little corner off of one

My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other

GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face

ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent

Woke up against my better judgment again

People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol

At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.

Why do people say half a dozen?

Why can’t they just say Six

It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.

Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……

Gas stations be like:

Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.

Me: haha should I get out and push

Everyone on The Submarine: YES

I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.

If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.

– the lady in front of me

I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.

THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????

Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.

P L E E Z

T O D A Y

N E E D U

S U I N G ✅

70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.

somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.