I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
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Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first