I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
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“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
The smoothest fall of all time
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.