I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
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A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
I meant to write, “on god” but wrote, “on guard” by accident and now I gotta duel with the homies at dawn.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
True story 🤣
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.
My one-year-old niece has started saying “bye-bye” when she wants people to leave. Honestly, I’ve never been so influenced by a toddler before
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor