I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
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Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I’m calling the cops.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”