Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts

Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide

I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face

Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.

I start training at mime school on Monday.

So if you don’t hear from me…

9: [doing something dangerous]

me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die

9: you’re always afraid of something like that.

Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.

I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase

Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.

I need sex to help my sex life, not food.

If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry

Tween and me: *arguing*

Husband: God, you two are just like each other.

Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?

Husband: *jumps out window*

I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?

[first day working in a restaurant]

me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*

cat: *reads sign*

me: oh no

I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.

*Sucks spider up in vacuum*

*panics*

*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*

Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.

today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey

Me: What fresh hell is this?

Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!

aladdin: i can show you the world

jasmine: no

aladdin: i can show you a cool bug

jasmine: ok

my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend

[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.

[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.

ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?

DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.

“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am

Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…

As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.

[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to