Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.

alfred: you have lung cancer

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman:

alfred:

batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir, no

I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.

A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.

wife: what time is it

me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch

8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”

Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.

Well, boo hoo.

My dad was actively aggressive.

Just ask my hand.

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Dracula: Every day

Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.

Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.

I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.

I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.

I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.

Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.

KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?

BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…

[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]

My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.

funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™

I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.

You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??

cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly

me: no i know this is a trap

cat:

me:

cat:

me: fine *goes to pet belly*

cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot

A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?

Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?

My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.

Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]

none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks

When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”

I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭

eye doctor: your results aren’t good

me: can I see them

eye doctor: probably not

“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me

‘What’s that smell?’

‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’

‘This is your car’

I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.

The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.