I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
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In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”