I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
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I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.