I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
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Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.
“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”
“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.