I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
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I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.