I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
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Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
April 1st is the class clown of days.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.