I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
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I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I’m not lazy
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe