Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.

Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.

*puts words between two asterisks*

Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”

Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)

ME: how about a horn solo

DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works

Daughter likes bananas.

Daughter likes banana bread.

Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.

When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s the sky.

Toddler: what’s sky mean?

Me: sky means sky.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s grass.

Toddler: what’s grass mean?

Me: grass means grass.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: tears.

Toddler: what’s tears mean?

Me: it means please just stop.

me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait

If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.

I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.

Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?

Me: I own a house.

Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.

Me: I’d rather just confess.

Detective: To what?

Me: Whatever

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.

I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…

I’m eating sandwiches you haven’t heard of in jeans you can’t pronounce

Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game

Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac

Me: I’m over it

[halftime, 2 beers later]

TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶

Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

[Looking out the window]

Me: I don’t understand this show.

“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”

OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.

If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.

Oh boy, $150,000!

I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.

Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.

Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER

I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁

My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day