I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
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70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”