Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.

ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?

“Waitress!”

Waitress: “Sir?”

“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them

This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.

The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.

This one takes the trophy 😭😭

a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath

I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.

Buying houses is mental

Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined

Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants

Not allowed to speak to the owner

Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds

Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.

My typo game is string.

Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.

[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]

Me: diamond bracelet?

Clerk: $10,000

Me: cubic zirconia?

Clerk: $5,000

Me: glass?

Clerk: $2,000

Me: beaded plastic?

Clerk: $1,000

[later]

Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?

Me: I made it myself : )

If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.

This is why I hate group projects

God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?

Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.

A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.

I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*

wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u

A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.

I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds

Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?

I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.

[being murdered]

Me: omg barry? from high school?

Barry: no way {stab} dave?

Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?

Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now

Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec