Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry

As we head into 2025, remember that 1980 is 20 years ago. We all agreed on this.

Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Me: oh man did I fail

Doc: not that kind of test

Me: so I passed?

Doc: no but you will in a week

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.

Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.

One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.

However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.

Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.

the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time

blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?

blood cell 2: of course baby

blood cell 3: coagulations guys!

Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀

Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”

🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon

Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.

rolls sleeve
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rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.

My husband is working from home and he’s still late.

Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now

– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.

[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.

It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔

Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.

I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.

If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.

I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny

The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious