I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
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There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
This will never not be funny 😭
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad