“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
You Might Also Like
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
I just want an internship man
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army