“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
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BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”
-me, explaining why I can’t move my back
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Always a housemaid, never a house.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor