i shaved my chupacabra for this?
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It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
“The weatherman isn’t real!”
-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
It’s that simple 👊🏻
My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation