i shaved my chupacabra for this?
You Might Also Like
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁