i shaved my chupacabra for this?
You Might Also Like
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.