i shaved my chupacabra for this?
You Might Also Like
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Me in tagged photos
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Pigeon open mic night.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]