I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
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Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Taliband
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Camel dough
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Tis the season where I eat and drink everything in sight and am then shocked and dismayed when my pants are too tight.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit