Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

*Strong man rips a phone book in half

Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?

[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!

seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!

gf:

seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!

Ummm

Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.

Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today

Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead

I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.

I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.

First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*

People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too

[son falls over & hurts himself]

ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC

WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?

ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?

Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.

Them: Going camping?

Me: Nope

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.

Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.

– alcohol

Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.

The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too

When my wife says “Guess what today is.”

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.

In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.

“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”

– inventor of velcro

Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!

Cher: Do you believe in life after love?

Me: *checks dictionary*

No.

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

New Tinder profile.

If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.

Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.

I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first

Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.