I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
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Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.