Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.

Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.

[Dracula before he got braces]

:F

*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*

Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.

If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine

They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.

Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.

ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*

SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment

My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.

It’s an onion.

My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.

For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.

[restaurant]

ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny

WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans

“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”

Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick

You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.

“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”

The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.

I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”

Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends

Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷‍♀️😂

I hate ramen noodles.

*Checks bank account balance*

I love ramen noodles!

Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?

Doctor: We can try, but I never met him

can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦‍♂️ whatever u say gorgeous

You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.

me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish

health inspector: so you see why this is happening

[christmas dinner]

me:

extended family member:

me:

extended family member:

me:

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.