I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
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My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Still laughing at this stupid meme
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
a badder mouse
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.