I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
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If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Hotels are back
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Ah..makes sense now
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them