I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
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I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
I bet the wise man who gave the gold had some regrets when he realized he could have just brought some incense
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”