I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
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The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
yeah not falling for this one
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.