I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
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Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
