I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
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Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
You know after that whole Humpty Dumpty thing, anytime something broke in the kingdom, haters would say, “Why don’t we let the horses take a look?”
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son