I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
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My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
🤣😂🤣😂
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.