Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do

If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.

[In cubicle at work]

*pretends to start clipping my nails*

*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*

CW: WTF!

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

This is funnier than it should be. 😂

What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?

One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.

After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.

british sex workers really pound for pound

[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”

I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.

*Hits Rock Bottom*

Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.

under no circumstances will my brother take the L

Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.

Me: Why were my tests so expensive?

Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.

Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?

Hospital: Our fax machine was down.

Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.

friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”

hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter

Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.

Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*

Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.

3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.

I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.

pilot: we’re about to crash

passengers: OMG

pilot: this wedding

passengers: phew

pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church

Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.

My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.

These apps are getting out of control.

There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.

Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.

Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.

A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”

*Runs a bath

Me: ok, jump in

3: it’s too hot

*Adds cold water

Me: Ok, get in

3: it’s too cold

Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.