Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.

[at wife’s funeral]

Son: At least shes in heaven now

Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom

Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation

At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what

Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.

…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.

*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”

If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit

The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.

[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks

Daughter: He found a garter snake

Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-

Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt

Mom: Damn it

waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not

My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”

I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”

Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.

when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.

The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.

Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?

Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.

Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids

My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer

Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*

Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!

What light through yonder window breaks…

Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!

Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.

“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information

21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off

51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”