I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
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“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
This line from Airplane.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.