I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
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My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Wedding planning is organized crime.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.