I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
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dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position