I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
You Might Also Like
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
My mood is currently on “shuffle.”
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.