Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”

It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters

Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?

Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears

If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.

Fun Fact

The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!

[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”

Pilot: There’s a loose…

Engineer: Tape.

P: And some rivets hav…

E: Tape.

P: Also signs of metal fatigu…

E: Tape.

P: And a panel is missi…

E: Tape.

P: Hydraulic failu…

E: Tape.

P: Th…

E: Tape.

P:

E: Tape.

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

When I said I liked it rough.

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus

I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.

Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep

I put the “pro” in inappropriate

I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it

Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.

Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.

“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis

If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.

My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.

Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.

Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?

Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.

The average person eats 8 spiders a year

*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”

[Applebee’s, 49 BC]

waiter: what would you like, sir

Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*

waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.

I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.

I jiggled the change in my pocket.

Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.

She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.

The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing