I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
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Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Not to brag, but I just walked upstairs and remembered why
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak