I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
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You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined