Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry

My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!

Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year

Her: tell me want I want to hear baby

Me: your order is on its way

Her: oh god, yes!

This is a fact based meme 😏😂

Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.

Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”

You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.

Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’

I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?

[Meeting]

CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-

BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]

Dear Ad Agencies,

Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.

On behalf of dog owners everywhere,

Thanks!

If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.

them: are you talking to anyone?

me: yes, myself. i think we’re really hitting it off

terminator: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: I said–

me: I’m thinking

INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?

ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal

“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.

I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores

Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.

me: never meet your heroes

also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please

My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone

Me: it’s not illegal

Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.

Me: but it’s not illegal

Cop: no, no it’s not

I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread

Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard

Her: Okay

Him: You don’t mind?

Her: Nope

Him: Great

Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce

Him: You’ve made your point

Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have

*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.

I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.

friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass

[later at thanksgiving dinner]

aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?

me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

*beats arachnophobia*

*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*

*fears spiders again*