I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.
You Might Also Like
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup