Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap

4-year-old: I am

Me: Then why are you standing here?

4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: This is a dream

Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.

You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.

just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years

[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight

DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not

My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly

An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…

Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”

When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes

Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out

Wife: yes why

Me: my boss fired me today

ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them

Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”

Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.

You know how I know society sets us up to fail?

Roombas only work if your house is already clean.

*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*

Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications

Me: *nodding* a curator

It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.

The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.

My front facing camera:

Me: I disagree.

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

Robin: “Please?”

Batman: “No.”

“It’s prom!”

“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”

Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”

Batman: *tosses keys*

I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.

Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.

capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die