I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.
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Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
sweet dreams💖
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.