I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
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The second world war should have been called world war returns
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
That’s classic.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.