I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
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i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.